Week 2 of being House Captain: dealt with being tired, with doing your best but the ones around you still bring you down, with feeling like you’re just not good enough sometimes, with feeling lonely.
When I accepted the offer to lead the girls of my boarding house, I had the immediate thought of them never being able to learn anything valuable from me.
Today, I looked at myself in the mirror to only see puffy eyes and a streak of tears dried on my cheek from me crying myself to sleep the night before, tired of never being able to fall asleep when I want to and wishing tomorrow would become yesterday again so that maybe, just maybe, I would have had a better day. Today, one of my girls broke into tears after hours and hours of training for an upcoming inter-house competition and I couldn’t do anything but called off training for tomorrow just so they can have a breather.
Today, I realised, I’m not the only one that’s tired.
Today, I couldn’t help but rudely ignore nearly anyone who has asked me about Haiqal. Thinking of him in this school already hurts so hearing his name several times a day from different people doesn’t necessarily always help. I did all I could to be happier but others didn’t help at all. Today, one of my girls voiced out on doing her very very best during training and having to repeat over and over again only because others weren’t doing the same.
Today, I realised, I’m not the only one doing my best but have those around me still bring me down.
Today, I looked around me and only saw people who are applying to the best among the best universities and being someone who never believed in that being the only route to success, felt my belief shake. What if i thought that way only because I’m really not good enough? But no, I brought my thoughts back into focus and remembered why I had that belief in the first place. I smiled. Today, one of my girls told me about how pressured she is being one of the oldest in her class but isn’t performing the best as people naturally assume that when you’re older, you’re meant to be much more academically-inclined and I immediately told her that that was completely absurd and should be no way one should ever think. Age shouldn’t determine what you should and should not know. Age cannot be a measure of how intelligent you should be. It should never be.
Today, I realised, I’m not the only one who sometimes feel like I’m just not good enough.
Today, I looked at the photo of Haiqal and my father with me on my study table and continued to stare at it until tears filled my tired eyes. I miss him. I miss them both. I feel horribly lonely. Today, one of my girls didn’t seem like her usual cheerful self so I asked her what was going on. After a number of times she said “nothing, don’t worry” her voice shook and eventually whispered how lonely she feels as a new girl, missing home, not familiar with this boarding school life.
Today, I realised, I’m not the only one who feels lonely.
No sadness will ever be permanent. Sooner or later, you’ll come to realise why things happen the way they do and you will be thankful for it taking place this way. Sometimes things get difficult but remember that even though others have it better, others might have it worse. Just have a little faith.
Putting on a smile these couple of weeks hasn’t been the easiest because of a couple of adjustments I have to make before I can be back to my usual happy self again, InsyaAllah (hence why I’m posting these type of posts twice in a row, sorry guys!! emo sikit now) but I did it, a smile was put on. As much as I feel like I’m not having my best few days, I will always try to remind myself that I am very, very lucky and that many more go through what I go through or worse and I will thank Allah for all of what I have been blessed with and more. Also, I’ll always, from now, thank Allah for letting me know now that I really have made the right choice by choosing to become Jawahir’s House Captain this year because whether or not the girls will learn anything from me, I definitely will learn a tonne from them, the way I did today.